i have the sudden urge to write a post. after reading eve's blog. i saw how much she could still write about her life, but i couldnt. im not as expressive as i used to be. i very much preferred it when i used to blog. id just let out my frustration and my thoughts on to this so called page of mine. and now? i just can seem to express myself like i did before. FML.
then again, i should probably share something bout what i feel lately. depressed. how so? i have feel that i have too many things to worry bout. goin through an emo phase now. sad thing is. i dun share shit i really feel to anyone. i just cant. too many secrets to hide. too many ppl's feelings to care bout. why am i liddat? why do i care bout my frens so much? so much i hardly get my peace of mind, my freedom; to do anything i want, quietly. i just want to. i have no one to count one. then there was this girl involved. yah!! a girl. she was nice. damn nice. too nice infact. showed how much she cared for me. pampered me. show me what it is like to be loved. problem is, i dun love her. i cudn giv in to her as much as i wud for my friends. so i just cudn keep dragging it on right? so i ended it. i felt really really bad. loved her. wasnt in love. wasnt happy. see the problem? then u know, collateral damage? fuck this shit seriously. other ppl get affected. and i dun wanna share this to anyone, why? cos i dun wanna cause a stir. things are good now. getting better. i've finally settled down. like i said with my friends and all. things are getting cheaper. and by things, if i have not mentioned, i am a consumer or marijuana. pot. weed. wad ever u call it. i am a pot head. weed has helped me in many ways. like when i cant sleep. like when i need to control take sudden outburst of mine. i feel more at peace with weed. and i have organized some things to secure my life of which i will tell about when im done doing it. probably thats why. thats why i cant express myself anymore. too much at stake. one wrong move. all could be gone. i wud be gone. dat serious. can imagine? knot right? haih. but i cant share. i cant share so much, i've made this a habit. i became an introvert. yah!! when i realized that? just now! after i read eve's blog, i realized how much i've kept things inside me. been keeping it all. why? i cant trust a person enough yet to let them know whats really inside me. dats it la. dats bout all that explains me now. and for that, i feel lonely. after know what it felt like to have someone around. or simply just to have someone. yahhhh!! there u go again. but then i cant commit. yeay me :D bye
Monday, February 14, 2011
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
kuching so far
i finally got my hands on constant internet access after 2 whole freaking months without it, depriving this sad outdated blog. boo hoo...
im being honest to say that im rather disappointed (already) with my trip here. and im glad its brief. i cant wait to return to kd to the people who means most to me at the moment. friends who i call my family. im glad to feel that i have already settled down with my friends at kd. and i cant get enough of them. making a foreign place home to me. talking bout being at home. i felt totally different driving back home earlier. having felt a "different feeling" compared to what i felt driving home before. i dont feel the urge to hang out more having found out what happened. but by saying all i have just said, im sure as hell hope i do not turn into those hypocritical bastards that made my night unpleasant, just by listening to updates on them. again, wtf-ish. big time!!
ending this sadist post. goodnight, i hope to see those i expect to see, have a good time here and try finish my assignments while im here. efff!!!! :((
Thursday, August 19, 2010
the catalyst
well, if u dunno yet, im 21!! yes 21.. i feel no different than yesterday. i still have not changed. other than the age part. lol but the way i look at the age of 21, other than the freedom everyone normally sees or anything else in norm, i see the age of 21 as a gateway of opportunities. every year i age, would be a year closer to my personal goals i look forward to achieve. TIME IS RUNNING OUT!! so while taking a shower (one of my fav time to think lol), i decided to sort out my goals again and just share them with my fellow readers. its not like i have many readers, but somehow, its good that i dont so u guys wont copy my goals eh??? hahaha
so what have i managed to achieve before today? not much actually.
1. i finally got the opportunity to study abroad and live the phase i feel everyone should go through. the student life. the phase where we learn to be independent, to care for ourselves, to miss and worry bout those at home, to worry bout tmr's meal, to look forward to goin back, to experience the dilemma of not goin back lol, to make new friends, to start off at a clean slate, to try new things out, see new places, to FINISH our studies and to learn to be an adult.
2. i managed to experience a brief moment of working life before moving to kl.. to try broker-ship, to manage events, to write posts for a magazine, to appear in media (a week wei!! plus live on radio too :D), to understand procedures and protocols of some useful stuff and to meet influential people. not bad ahh?? i can say im quite proud of what i've managed to do tho there are failures and disappointments, i've learn much of things by which we cant simply pay for.
3. i've completed my diploma without problems. my 3 years in SEGi Kuching, although it was suppose to be 2 and a half haha
4. traveled alone to different places and to experience diff cultures and enjoy the my alone time. im really glad i did this one, although i've only managed to visit Bali, Jakarta and Kota Kinabalu; and of cos a brief moment in Penang, im hope to visit more places in the near future n with wishful thinking, the whole world. and not to forget, i did all of my travel using my savings too!! and just so u know, if im not wrong, i've been atleast on the plane twice a month (return flights of cos) back and forth to where ever it is for more than a year now. airasia should give me a special flying miles account hehehe
5. to read books!! im not a fan of reading but i did!! 3 in fact. all dan brown's tho HAHAHA well, i read only when i travel far away tho. so yeah.. cant blame me.
6. to indulge in shopping! yessss!! shopping!!! lately, due to the convenience of stayin in kl, shopping malls are not burning but torching a big hole in my account. i got to buy things i never thought i could afford. of cos, i worked and saved really hard la.. =D
7. to vindicate people. well, this, i've only managed to help one friend of mine tho. no details bout this as its pnc. but yeah..i look forward to doin more :)
8. play sports!! yes..although i have really bad stamina, i've tried to get myself involved in sports. n i did! squash is the bomb...then futsal, dodgeball!! :D, frisbee!! all with intention to build my stamina and lead a healthier live. we intoxicate our body so we must work it all out too ryte? haha
okay...dats bout all i managed to do. after typing them down, im impressed by myself actually =D hahahahaha now that i've listed what i've accomplished, imma try prioritize my current goals by the age of 25
1. to get my own place. buy it of cos. big shot goal but im damn motivated to do so.
2. to get cars of mine. yes. CARS!! not one, but atleast more than one la haha
3. to learn how to ride a bike, and then own a nice one.
4. to complete my degree and hopefully get the opportunity to complete it abroad
5. to get involved in more event management.
6. to learn to play the guitar properly. of cos, i'll have to get one.
7. to indulge in more social activities and sports.
8. to bulid my body. yes....this i really need motivation haha
9. to earn my quarter million at least by 25. and a my 1st million by 28
10. to travel and see more places. thailand in january yaw!! and of cos, more of Bali :)
11. to fulfill those promises i've made. the one's i forgot and have no idea about haha
12. to learn to cook more dishes
13. to work in a big firm after my degree. yes. i have a plan which i hope will workout
14. to own different businesses. atleast 2 by 25.
15. to make more awesome friends to add to my current ones.
16. to repay the debt i feel i owe to those who've helped me during bad times
17. to voice out my opinion and my thoughts to my mum's family once im doing alright. to prove that i am better off without inherited money
18. to help children. as i adore them. kids deserve to live their childhood better than i did. i envy them eh. they'ed have no worries, they dream dreams we dun dream about anymore and are damn adorable. looking at things the way i see it, i feel people's personalities do not change from young. so i guess, the best way to make the world a better place, is to nuture and guide kids from young. true??
19. to compile my thoughts and philosophy and prolly write a book bout it
20. to continue vindicating more people. if u do not know wad it is, vindication is a process of cleansing a person's reputation. something liddat ah. to clean or ward off the bad name people impose in them. and when u manage to do so, u'll feel on top of the world.
21. to get to watch concerts of my fav bands namely incubus!! before they grow too old to perform haha
22. to participate in a foundation, welfare or anything similar. UNICEF!!
23. to continue being who i am. to stand for what i feel is right.
24. to make a impact in the kuching community
25. to change improve my self confidence. be more bold in actions of mine and rock people's lives :D
26. and finally to try support my family as soon as possible.
quite alot eh? well, the more the better. and if i cant manage to complete atleast a few in the coming one year, atleast i would be in progress in doin so
now that i've listed my goals and all. id like to talk bout me. u see... i live a very different childhood and event currently, compared to those of my peers. yes, a few of them have their own problems too. but i feel the live i've lived for the 21 years im alive is nt smthg anyone would want to experience. why so? i may have not shared my situation with many but im glad for the problems i faced has built me and made me who i am today. of cos, there are those few 'gui ren-s' (eve!! see i know how to use this word dy haha) who has helped and indirectly guided me through mishaps and im grateful for them to be around. i've realized too, although i cant explain how "terrible" my situation is at the moment, i get to indulge in things i never thought i would be able to indulge in. and besides that, i've realized that i, all this while, have been living comfortaby in a sense that, there's always good food to eat, that i always manage to get a big room for myself, that i always manage to live a life of luxury although i may not afford them. why so? i do not know as well. and for that i feel grateful that such things are always around for me to enjoy. :D
and my wonderful friends :) yes. i have wonderful friends i love. great ones. i dunno why too. but i always seem to meet and have the right people as friends. i believe tho its how u treat them, u cherish them, u talk to them, trust them and believe in them that makes the difference. through experience, i've learned that we should treat others the way we want to be treated back. sincerity too plays an important part. 'results' may not show early and in case of people misunderstanding you, someday, you will be vindicated. its all a matter of time and belief. dats the reason why i believe alot in vindication u see.. back to my friends. i cant ask for better friends than i already have, cos they are the best dy. :) i feel loved by them, n i love my frens a hell lot!! lk dat much!! u know or not??? DAT MUCH!!! so much so i regard my closest frens as family. i seriously, honestly cannot live without them. my closest frens can tell la hahaha and i wish to see my all my frens, the closest one especially succeed in life together in the future :D
another thing i'd like to talk bout, im feeling old talking so much crap dy. bt yeah..ermm...u see.. one advice to all is to not have expectations from other people but to expect alot from yourself. expectations are what kills us all, spoils our mood and destroys us. yes we may have to expect for things like quality and work bla bla bla and all but what im talking bout is expectations in a sense of damn..i dunno how to explain la... well, erm..if u have less expectations, the stupid useless ones, we would get disappointed less, n by that, we live happier lives. we should know what we deserve and be contented with what we have at the same time. only then would we not have ridiculous expectations. u get wad i mean? just be contented. but not too much. dats the part im trying to improve of myself. yes i do appreciate wad i have but i get too contented with what i already have. i believe i do not demand for my rights as much as i need to. dat way, i feel that i've lost many opportunities just by being pleased with what i already have. expect in moderation and demand what we actually deserve. from now on, im imma try do that. so dun think im bitching up okay!! i feel its bout time i get what i rightfully deserve.
last but not least, my family. through all the bad and good times ive been through, i've been through them with my family. im glad i have a dad, a mom, a bro and sis like mine. all of which made me who i am today. im glad my dad and mum is comfortable of sharing their problems with me and that to be felt that my presence makes a difference. however, i am too worried for thing to be in the near future and i really hope, things would turn out alright.
i think dats bout all i want to say for this post of mine during my bday :D n i have a feeling it is far by the most organized one too! haha. kudos aaron!! :D i guess im doin alright at the moment, besides the down side of things. and for this bday of mine, i've been wished by my frens and all and i really do feel loved :D i've been told to have a blast but i feel, i should do things my way. and have a quieter and more relaxed 21st bday compare to others and to spend time with loved ones rather than partying all way through. thanks tho for all the wishes again :D now im looking forward to my bday cake.....man..i want a good big piece of a real good cheese cake tmr. ;) hehehehehehe
thats all folks!!
love,
Aaron
so what have i managed to achieve before today? not much actually.
1. i finally got the opportunity to study abroad and live the phase i feel everyone should go through. the student life. the phase where we learn to be independent, to care for ourselves, to miss and worry bout those at home, to worry bout tmr's meal, to look forward to goin back, to experience the dilemma of not goin back lol, to make new friends, to start off at a clean slate, to try new things out, see new places, to FINISH our studies and to learn to be an adult.
2. i managed to experience a brief moment of working life before moving to kl.. to try broker-ship, to manage events, to write posts for a magazine, to appear in media (a week wei!! plus live on radio too :D), to understand procedures and protocols of some useful stuff and to meet influential people. not bad ahh?? i can say im quite proud of what i've managed to do tho there are failures and disappointments, i've learn much of things by which we cant simply pay for.
3. i've completed my diploma without problems. my 3 years in SEGi Kuching, although it was suppose to be 2 and a half haha
4. traveled alone to different places and to experience diff cultures and enjoy the my alone time. im really glad i did this one, although i've only managed to visit Bali, Jakarta and Kota Kinabalu; and of cos a brief moment in Penang, im hope to visit more places in the near future n with wishful thinking, the whole world. and not to forget, i did all of my travel using my savings too!! and just so u know, if im not wrong, i've been atleast on the plane twice a month (return flights of cos) back and forth to where ever it is for more than a year now. airasia should give me a special flying miles account hehehe
5. to read books!! im not a fan of reading but i did!! 3 in fact. all dan brown's tho HAHAHA well, i read only when i travel far away tho. so yeah.. cant blame me.
6. to indulge in shopping! yessss!! shopping!!! lately, due to the convenience of stayin in kl, shopping malls are not burning but torching a big hole in my account. i got to buy things i never thought i could afford. of cos, i worked and saved really hard la.. =D
7. to vindicate people. well, this, i've only managed to help one friend of mine tho. no details bout this as its pnc. but yeah..i look forward to doin more :)
8. play sports!! yes..although i have really bad stamina, i've tried to get myself involved in sports. n i did! squash is the bomb...then futsal, dodgeball!! :D, frisbee!! all with intention to build my stamina and lead a healthier live. we intoxicate our body so we must work it all out too ryte? haha
okay...dats bout all i managed to do. after typing them down, im impressed by myself actually =D hahahahaha now that i've listed what i've accomplished, imma try prioritize my current goals by the age of 25
1. to get my own place. buy it of cos. big shot goal but im damn motivated to do so.
2. to get cars of mine. yes. CARS!! not one, but atleast more than one la haha
3. to learn how to ride a bike, and then own a nice one.
4. to complete my degree and hopefully get the opportunity to complete it abroad
5. to get involved in more event management.
6. to learn to play the guitar properly. of cos, i'll have to get one.
7. to indulge in more social activities and sports.
8. to bulid my body. yes....this i really need motivation haha
9. to earn my quarter million at least by 25. and a my 1st million by 28
10. to travel and see more places. thailand in january yaw!! and of cos, more of Bali :)
11. to fulfill those promises i've made. the one's i forgot and have no idea about haha
12. to learn to cook more dishes
13. to work in a big firm after my degree. yes. i have a plan which i hope will workout
14. to own different businesses. atleast 2 by 25.
15. to make more awesome friends to add to my current ones.
16. to repay the debt i feel i owe to those who've helped me during bad times
17. to voice out my opinion and my thoughts to my mum's family once im doing alright. to prove that i am better off without inherited money
18. to help children. as i adore them. kids deserve to live their childhood better than i did. i envy them eh. they'ed have no worries, they dream dreams we dun dream about anymore and are damn adorable. looking at things the way i see it, i feel people's personalities do not change from young. so i guess, the best way to make the world a better place, is to nuture and guide kids from young. true??
19. to compile my thoughts and philosophy and prolly write a book bout it
20. to continue vindicating more people. if u do not know wad it is, vindication is a process of cleansing a person's reputation. something liddat ah. to clean or ward off the bad name people impose in them. and when u manage to do so, u'll feel on top of the world.
21. to get to watch concerts of my fav bands namely incubus!! before they grow too old to perform haha
22. to participate in a foundation, welfare or anything similar. UNICEF!!
23. to continue being who i am. to stand for what i feel is right.
24. to make a impact in the kuching community
25. to change improve my self confidence. be more bold in actions of mine and rock people's lives :D
26. and finally to try support my family as soon as possible.
quite alot eh? well, the more the better. and if i cant manage to complete atleast a few in the coming one year, atleast i would be in progress in doin so
now that i've listed my goals and all. id like to talk bout me. u see... i live a very different childhood and event currently, compared to those of my peers. yes, a few of them have their own problems too. but i feel the live i've lived for the 21 years im alive is nt smthg anyone would want to experience. why so? i may have not shared my situation with many but im glad for the problems i faced has built me and made me who i am today. of cos, there are those few 'gui ren-s' (eve!! see i know how to use this word dy haha) who has helped and indirectly guided me through mishaps and im grateful for them to be around. i've realized too, although i cant explain how "terrible" my situation is at the moment, i get to indulge in things i never thought i would be able to indulge in. and besides that, i've realized that i, all this while, have been living comfortaby in a sense that, there's always good food to eat, that i always manage to get a big room for myself, that i always manage to live a life of luxury although i may not afford them. why so? i do not know as well. and for that i feel grateful that such things are always around for me to enjoy. :D
and my wonderful friends :) yes. i have wonderful friends i love. great ones. i dunno why too. but i always seem to meet and have the right people as friends. i believe tho its how u treat them, u cherish them, u talk to them, trust them and believe in them that makes the difference. through experience, i've learned that we should treat others the way we want to be treated back. sincerity too plays an important part. 'results' may not show early and in case of people misunderstanding you, someday, you will be vindicated. its all a matter of time and belief. dats the reason why i believe alot in vindication u see.. back to my friends. i cant ask for better friends than i already have, cos they are the best dy. :) i feel loved by them, n i love my frens a hell lot!! lk dat much!! u know or not??? DAT MUCH!!! so much so i regard my closest frens as family. i seriously, honestly cannot live without them. my closest frens can tell la hahaha and i wish to see my all my frens, the closest one especially succeed in life together in the future :D
another thing i'd like to talk bout, im feeling old talking so much crap dy. bt yeah..ermm...u see.. one advice to all is to not have expectations from other people but to expect alot from yourself. expectations are what kills us all, spoils our mood and destroys us. yes we may have to expect for things like quality and work bla bla bla and all but what im talking bout is expectations in a sense of damn..i dunno how to explain la... well, erm..if u have less expectations, the stupid useless ones, we would get disappointed less, n by that, we live happier lives. we should know what we deserve and be contented with what we have at the same time. only then would we not have ridiculous expectations. u get wad i mean? just be contented. but not too much. dats the part im trying to improve of myself. yes i do appreciate wad i have but i get too contented with what i already have. i believe i do not demand for my rights as much as i need to. dat way, i feel that i've lost many opportunities just by being pleased with what i already have. expect in moderation and demand what we actually deserve. from now on, im imma try do that. so dun think im bitching up okay!! i feel its bout time i get what i rightfully deserve.
last but not least, my family. through all the bad and good times ive been through, i've been through them with my family. im glad i have a dad, a mom, a bro and sis like mine. all of which made me who i am today. im glad my dad and mum is comfortable of sharing their problems with me and that to be felt that my presence makes a difference. however, i am too worried for thing to be in the near future and i really hope, things would turn out alright.
i think dats bout all i want to say for this post of mine during my bday :D n i have a feeling it is far by the most organized one too! haha. kudos aaron!! :D i guess im doin alright at the moment, besides the down side of things. and for this bday of mine, i've been wished by my frens and all and i really do feel loved :D i've been told to have a blast but i feel, i should do things my way. and have a quieter and more relaxed 21st bday compare to others and to spend time with loved ones rather than partying all way through. thanks tho for all the wishes again :D now im looking forward to my bday cake.....man..i want a good big piece of a real good cheese cake tmr. ;) hehehehehehe
thats all folks!!
love,
Aaron
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
the nurturing phase.
now that i've nthg much to do, i guess blogging is the best thing to do to waste time or rather keep me busy. why blogger? it seems tumblr doesn fit me...too much nonsense. lk for example, we'd keep hitting the reblog button. and not only do we do that, but other people too...at the end of the day, it'll end up to be smthg lk spams. well, unless ur an avid comp user den u can keep up la haha
its a tuesday. a rainy one. plans kinda spoilt due to that and other reasons too.. damn..i dunno what to write but im just so effin bored.
i had a real good chat wif eve last night. havent had a chat liddat for a really long time. im glad i stayed awake long enuf to get to chat wif her too. n after chatting, i honestly can say i miss hanging out u, eve. miss those good convos we can have. but then, time, place, studies and diff frens kinda made it not so possible to hang out as often as we used too. n now its been months before i last saw her. n she's leaving for uk in a month's time. sighh..
sumhow, after posting the previous post, i feel did actually feel better. has been a real long time before i expressed anything out. bt for somethings i knot say in public, i got to share them wif eve. thks a bunch eve.
it all got me thinking and got me to straighten out my goals again. lk i told my best buddies a few months back, goin to kl to study would not mean a new chapter of my life. but id prefer to see it as a race. and every time id return home to kuching would serve as a pit stop to restore my energy and to keep me motivated to finish the race of mine. well i guess, for the 1st holiday dat i've returned, i guess, i feel that i've been motivated once more.
p.s. eve, ur thinkin too hard :P
its a tuesday. a rainy one. plans kinda spoilt due to that and other reasons too.. damn..i dunno what to write but im just so effin bored.
i had a real good chat wif eve last night. havent had a chat liddat for a really long time. im glad i stayed awake long enuf to get to chat wif her too. n after chatting, i honestly can say i miss hanging out u, eve. miss those good convos we can have. but then, time, place, studies and diff frens kinda made it not so possible to hang out as often as we used too. n now its been months before i last saw her. n she's leaving for uk in a month's time. sighh..
sumhow, after posting the previous post, i feel did actually feel better. has been a real long time before i expressed anything out. bt for somethings i knot say in public, i got to share them wif eve. thks a bunch eve.
it all got me thinking and got me to straighten out my goals again. lk i told my best buddies a few months back, goin to kl to study would not mean a new chapter of my life. but id prefer to see it as a race. and every time id return home to kuching would serve as a pit stop to restore my energy and to keep me motivated to finish the race of mine. well i guess, for the 1st holiday dat i've returned, i guess, i feel that i've been motivated once more.
p.s. eve, ur thinkin too hard :P
Monday, August 16, 2010
then and now..
now that im back to kch, finally getting to enjoy my holiday, i feel i owe my blogs some good times. it was not too long ago when i last posted but a hell long time ago before i actually let my heart out.
1st. the house is almost complete. sink's ready. just a lil more cleaning to do. but lets just leave them be, till i get back. i do hope the house dun turn upside down during my time here. having a place of my own in kl, i realized i felt half hearted when i was suppose to return to kch. why so? its not just a house to me, its a home. a place i look forward to go back to all the time. and the fun!! im missing out of the happenings there. dayumm.. then again, the house kinda showed me the part of me i did not know. all these while, i;ve been reluctant to do any house chores but when it comes to your own place, i feel a lil bit more responsible in things (making me realize the responsible part of me =D) and the tidy part of me too! i'd be cleaning the house when i can just to make sure it looks and feels tidy and clean. i am too, grateful for having housemates of mine. they'ed actually clean the house too. who says stoners cant be clean responsible people?? well, wad ever it is, im kinda proud of myself that i have handled the house quite well. bt worried too, cos i have taken a risk whereby, if things hopefully works out as planned will mean i get to stay comfortably in kl during my studies, and if not, id loose a hell lot of money. *prays*
2nd. i missed my flight to kch actually u know onot??!! i am myself surprised i missed my flight. i guess i was too carried away wif my activities and just made a costly mistake. i guess that was an eye opener tho. n how did i miss my flight? haha well, i actually did recheck when my flight was. assuming it was on sat, i just looked at the time of flight. and as i tot that i was goin back on sat, on fri night, very late at night, i decided to check the flight time again. n i came to shock when i realized the flight was on fri! bloody mistake cost me rm300 wei! but im actually glad i did go back on sat tho. cos i got to hav a gathering at my place, and get some very important issues settled
3rd. i wonder why adults can be such huge hypocrites. just last night, after my flight, i headed home to shower and left home for grandma's bday. it all seemed well till my uncle decided to have a family discussion among the siblings. and it did not turn out well. in fact there was alot screaming and all. and what were they arguing about? from what i could see, it was bout the property granddad left before he passed on. i could remember clearly, we were thought that blood is thicker than water. that should change that statement now as water isn relevant nemore. wad it should actually be is blood is thicker den all the bloody money in the world. easy to say and it seems really hard to do ryte? somehow, inside us, i feel that we have that greed in us. but why? the will is always a fucked up problem and that when one dies, in fact 2 problem arises. the death and the will. from there, ud even see siblings stabbing each others back for what THEY THINK they deserve. but the thing is, its not u to decide what u deserve or not. its for the old dude to decide. if he left u nothing or very little, it means, there's usually other siblings that need it more ryte? if not, u fucked up! deal wif it. but then again, from what i observed yday, that one uncle had all he need n still wanted somemore. are u not contented wif ur life? u have all the money u need and still u want more? i cant simply understand why people are liddat. please la. be contented and grateful wif what u already have. im not saying its wrong to go for more. but to the extend of jeopardizing the relationship with ur own siblings? dats just plain stupid. adults thought us to care for one another and all but it seems the hypocritically dont! who's gonna help u when ur in trouble? who's gonna be ur companion, to talk to u, chat wif u when ur old? ur siblings damnit! wad can u do if u got that piece of what ever it is? yes, u might get smthg nice or live more comfortably. but can u live without it? hell yes! we got got almost nothing and arent complaining.. i swore i almost screamed at my aunt and unc last night but wad the hell for? and im glad i did not. plus, that side of the family was the side that fucked my family up. eff u all. filthy two face asses. im glad we moved out from that shit hole house earlier this year. the whole time i was ther i mostly spent my time in my room know what was goin on. shit heads. it seems all the gathering u people have are means to promptly remind u of the money u want. of all the 10 siblings they have, i see good only in 3 of them. the rest are crap. have i fought wif my siblings before? yes. who hasnt? but not for money. i quarrel or argue only if i felt smthg was wrong. cant u be liddat? rather then prying over each other's things. i dunno wad else to say but i''ve got more to say. all i can say is that, im happy being poor rather than well off like u ungrateful asses. n did u know they were the ones that looked down on my other side of the family? u dun even have to say u do cos i can tell. and its so bloody obvious. yalah..ur sons and daughters are smart, the receive possibly the best education and all but u all are shit heads. efffff...
4th. how to avoid the shit in no.3 from happening? easy. be sincere. dun want something back when u give something. and even if u dun want anything back, dun remind people wad u did? im sure i dun seriously "ungkit" at all. n i know by not doing so, it paid off. i feel contented with my life. yes i do have wants and all, bt not to the extent of "stealing" it. just make do of what u have and be when u do something for someone, be sincere! n mark my words, it makes a difference
5th. now that i kinda let my heart out on wad happened last night, id like to tell u bout myself. as far as i can recall, i have not told anyone this. stop asking me why im single all these years la. yes, it might be a joke but i have my reasons. and its not easy. people ask me how can u stand being single all these while. all i do is keep quiet and smile. u just do it!! if u had reasons, den ud know how. whats mine? back in secondary school, my family had financial problems and that led to many other problems that just popped out of the blue. i was young then but not ignorant of what was happening. but then, what happened back then made a big impact to me. made me what i am now, made me think how i think now, made me act how i act now. although the financial problems my family had wasn as bad as it seems, but it sure did alot of damage. honestly, i lived a pretty dull life during my secondary school compared to my bro n sis now. most people wouldnt understand so i prefer to keep all i felt to myself. i do not even tell my best frens what i've been though cos it just hard to express. all i can say is that due to what happened, i found myself to be more timid and careful. i observe people more and trust people. what actually is, is that, i told myself to stay single until i feel comfortable to be with someone i like. people just dun understand what i've been through and would think i missed out and am a fool. honestly, i feel that i've missed out alot. ALOT. bt its wad i told myself to do and im sticking to it. its not easy u know.. everytime i feel i have feelings for someone, i shy away, staying in the friends barrier. and its not dat i dun want to be in a relationship but i just feel that i cant. all i can go for is to have someone to talk to and be there to listen to my ramblings and all. and its hard to not do smthg when u want to and even harder when u see the one that u like be with someone else. i have had so many chances but decided not to take em although i really wanted to but i have my reasons. and for that i may have hurt people, especially one i know that i did. and i cant say sorry cos my apology could be irrelevant at this moment and to you too. i knew i blew more than 1 year of chances given to me but again, i have my firm reasons. i hope u know who u are, and i hope u could connect the dots. sighhh...
bt why cant i just try things out with other people? the problem is i know what and who i want. i dun try things out to see if they work, i'll try things out when i know it will work and i do not intend to be in anything brief. the unnecessary pain would just slow me down on my goals. so do u get me? ): all i could use now, is someone to talk to, to share some of my thoughts and feelings.
6th. and there's one more thing i dun do. i dun do the back-stab bullshit. even when it comes to girls. id simply give away the chance or the idea of the chance to be with someone i like to a fren of mine cos to me, friends come 1st. i cant simply accept the idea of passing girlfriends around among friends or date anyone in the friend circle. wad kinda bs is dat? its weird, at least to me. n due to that, i missed out in the relationship thing. but why give them up? friends come before girls, until i found the right one la AHAHAHA and of cos, my reason from no.5. then again if it happens to me someday, wad to do ryte? bt id try to stay away from my friends 'past'. i think its healthier and better to meet someone having almost nothing to do wif ur frens or family for that matter . and for that girl in no.5 i mentioned bout, if she realized, i am not being friends with her friends but merely think of them as acquaintances just so incase i have the chance again.
i guess dats bout all i had in mind to say right now apart of many other things i have in mind. n its late now. n i hope i opened some eyes if this is actually being read. my posts seem messy ryte? look at the time and mind me. late nights make me think alot.
chao-s and take care and do look forward to my other nags soon. i hope :P
4th. how to avoid the shit in no.3 from happening? easy. be sincere. dun want something back when u give something. and even if u dun want anything back, dun remind people wad u did? im sure i dun seriously "ungkit" at all. n i know by not doing so, it paid off. i feel contented with my life. yes i do have wants and all, bt not to the extent of "stealing" it. just make do of what u have and be when u do something for someone, be sincere! n mark my words, it makes a difference
5th. now that i kinda let my heart out on wad happened last night, id like to tell u bout myself. as far as i can recall, i have not told anyone this. stop asking me why im single all these years la. yes, it might be a joke but i have my reasons. and its not easy. people ask me how can u stand being single all these while. all i do is keep quiet and smile. u just do it!! if u had reasons, den ud know how. whats mine? back in secondary school, my family had financial problems and that led to many other problems that just popped out of the blue. i was young then but not ignorant of what was happening. but then, what happened back then made a big impact to me. made me what i am now, made me think how i think now, made me act how i act now. although the financial problems my family had wasn as bad as it seems, but it sure did alot of damage. honestly, i lived a pretty dull life during my secondary school compared to my bro n sis now. most people wouldnt understand so i prefer to keep all i felt to myself. i do not even tell my best frens what i've been though cos it just hard to express. all i can say is that due to what happened, i found myself to be more timid and careful. i observe people more and trust people. what actually is, is that, i told myself to stay single until i feel comfortable to be with someone i like. people just dun understand what i've been through and would think i missed out and am a fool. honestly, i feel that i've missed out alot. ALOT. bt its wad i told myself to do and im sticking to it. its not easy u know.. everytime i feel i have feelings for someone, i shy away, staying in the friends barrier. and its not dat i dun want to be in a relationship but i just feel that i cant. all i can go for is to have someone to talk to and be there to listen to my ramblings and all. and its hard to not do smthg when u want to and even harder when u see the one that u like be with someone else. i have had so many chances but decided not to take em although i really wanted to but i have my reasons. and for that i may have hurt people, especially one i know that i did. and i cant say sorry cos my apology could be irrelevant at this moment and to you too. i knew i blew more than 1 year of chances given to me but again, i have my firm reasons. i hope u know who u are, and i hope u could connect the dots. sighhh...
bt why cant i just try things out with other people? the problem is i know what and who i want. i dun try things out to see if they work, i'll try things out when i know it will work and i do not intend to be in anything brief. the unnecessary pain would just slow me down on my goals. so do u get me? ): all i could use now, is someone to talk to, to share some of my thoughts and feelings.
6th. and there's one more thing i dun do. i dun do the back-stab bullshit. even when it comes to girls. id simply give away the chance or the idea of the chance to be with someone i like to a fren of mine cos to me, friends come 1st. i cant simply accept the idea of passing girlfriends around among friends or date anyone in the friend circle. wad kinda bs is dat? its weird, at least to me. n due to that, i missed out in the relationship thing. but why give them up? friends come before girls, until i found the right one la AHAHAHA and of cos, my reason from no.5. then again if it happens to me someday, wad to do ryte? bt id try to stay away from my friends 'past'. i think its healthier and better to meet someone having almost nothing to do wif ur frens or family for that matter . and for that girl in no.5 i mentioned bout, if she realized, i am not being friends with her friends but merely think of them as acquaintances just so incase i have the chance again.
i guess dats bout all i had in mind to say right now apart of many other things i have in mind. n its late now. n i hope i opened some eyes if this is actually being read. my posts seem messy ryte? look at the time and mind me. late nights make me think alot.
chao-s and take care and do look forward to my other nags soon. i hope :P
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
hooooooo
i checked blogger recently and found out that the last i posted anything was on may 11th!! damn long wei..dats lk almost 3 months wei!! thank the un-constant internet connection laaaa..
since the last post, many things happened! im currently studying in damansara, taking my degree, my 2nd month here dy, and here i am, posting this, im my own place!! :D stolen wifi of cos HAHAHA (thank u aztech whoever u are)
so im actually on my holidays. and why aren't i back in kch u may ask. cos i had decided to stay back a while longer to look for my own place after suffering the common toilet in the hostel for 2 whole months. so i finally got my own place and when i did, i was on top of the world for a whole week i guess, cos my fren said i just couldnt stop smiling LOL then again, im currently staying at Palm Springs at Sunway Damansara. not too far from school, just a bus ride down 2 traffic lights i think HAHA!!
and due to the new place, im officially broke. once again after a long long time. been paying deposits and buying things for the house cos i wanna make it feel lk home :D well, thats the whole idea ryte? get ur own place and stay in and save money. and then save more by not goin out and cooking in. talking bout cooking, its kinda frustrating after stayin in for almost a week now, i havent been cooking anything cos THE BLOODY KITCHEN ISNT READY YET!! the bloody sink la. 1st, the workers delayed work...now the sink isnt working. how to cook?? and i cant reli clean the whole house until its actually done ryte? i just hope everything's done before i return to kch this weekend. man i miss kch
talking out cleaning, i believe i've cleaned more in the past week compared to the total amount of cleaning i did in the last 5 years hahaha i dunno why, but i've been cleaning so much, i dun mind cleaning at all. prolly its cos of the "my own place" idea haha i clean my toilet almost everyday u know!! LOL
erm....i think there's nthg much left to say... i guess im doin alright here, met the right people and friends and they have made my stay here reli comfortable. thank guys :D
oh did i mention, i've been quite active in sports. every weekdays to be exact. :D but this hols, nt really la...cos everyone's away and the puasa month is back. which reminds me, RAYA!!!! but this time i wont be celebrating it in kch...ticket mahal pok!! i hear frens buyin them at 500 pluss... i even heard 700 yday! i could eat for a month with dat money..luxuriously!! haha
n 1 last thing. my bday!!!!!! ITS NEXT WEKK!! TAKE NOTE!! THKS!! :D bye...
since the last post, many things happened! im currently studying in damansara, taking my degree, my 2nd month here dy, and here i am, posting this, im my own place!! :D stolen wifi of cos HAHAHA (thank u aztech whoever u are)
so im actually on my holidays. and why aren't i back in kch u may ask. cos i had decided to stay back a while longer to look for my own place after suffering the common toilet in the hostel for 2 whole months. so i finally got my own place and when i did, i was on top of the world for a whole week i guess, cos my fren said i just couldnt stop smiling LOL then again, im currently staying at Palm Springs at Sunway Damansara. not too far from school, just a bus ride down 2 traffic lights i think HAHA!!
and due to the new place, im officially broke. once again after a long long time. been paying deposits and buying things for the house cos i wanna make it feel lk home :D well, thats the whole idea ryte? get ur own place and stay in and save money. and then save more by not goin out and cooking in. talking bout cooking, its kinda frustrating after stayin in for almost a week now, i havent been cooking anything cos THE BLOODY KITCHEN ISNT READY YET!! the bloody sink la. 1st, the workers delayed work...now the sink isnt working. how to cook?? and i cant reli clean the whole house until its actually done ryte? i just hope everything's done before i return to kch this weekend. man i miss kch
talking out cleaning, i believe i've cleaned more in the past week compared to the total amount of cleaning i did in the last 5 years hahaha i dunno why, but i've been cleaning so much, i dun mind cleaning at all. prolly its cos of the "my own place" idea haha i clean my toilet almost everyday u know!! LOL
erm....i think there's nthg much left to say... i guess im doin alright here, met the right people and friends and they have made my stay here reli comfortable. thank guys :D
oh did i mention, i've been quite active in sports. every weekdays to be exact. :D but this hols, nt really la...cos everyone's away and the puasa month is back. which reminds me, RAYA!!!! but this time i wont be celebrating it in kch...ticket mahal pok!! i hear frens buyin them at 500 pluss... i even heard 700 yday! i could eat for a month with dat money..luxuriously!! haha
n 1 last thing. my bday!!!!!! ITS NEXT WEKK!! TAKE NOTE!! THKS!! :D bye...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
how have u been?
this past month had its ups n down n den ups n downs.
1st of all, i made it to F1!! after so many years of watchin it on tv, i finally made it :D a reli awesome experience with reli fast cars n loud loud vrooms vrooms :D red bull dominated sepang d finish was cool but cocky. it was d 1st time i saw DAT many ppl at one place. like literally packed. it took more than an hour for the place to clear after the race. oh it was reli cheap too! advantages of being a student :D RM150 only for the ticks eh. plus we had reli good seats :)
next was college enrollment. that time was reli a struggle..with popo being avidly admitted to the hospital, it was like reli hard for me to actually decide on goin abroad to study. cos i wont wanna leave cos the doc said "time was almost up". so practically those few weeks, our family spent lotsa time back home at popo's.
then 1st of may came. it was lk any normal day when we got a call to go to the hosp. when i arrived, it was too late. popo left us dy. as everyone had expected it to happen, it was a lil easier cos dad unc-s n aunts had prepared everything for the funeral n mentally too. it was still hard tho.
popo's funeral was diff than than the other funerals i've been to even grandpa's funeral at mum's side was totally diff. popo's funeral was somewhat cheerful. knowing that popo enjoyed watching us all gather back home n play, we actually did. the funeral was not like the "scary" ones ud expect to see on tv. through out the whole thing, everyone played n mingled around. of cos with limits. oh ya, popo loved flowers so we had lots n lots of flowers around n she loved burgers too. so we went to find her a vegetarian burger as an offering durin "meals" lol
another thing that made the funeral a memorable one was that almost everyone was back. only a cous who reli cudn make it din make it for d funeral. those cous who were lost in contact for years came back too. at first we cous were a lil shy to mingle but during the final night, a few of us cousins decided not too sleep to spend the last few hours with popo b4 the burial. so during dat time, we caught up with lost times. which was good. sad case tho that we only managed to mingle during the last few hours.
the funeral lasted 4 days. a day extra cos popo left us late in the evening on 1st may n we all wanted to spend a lil more time with her. n surprisingly, during those days, alms collected were way more than wad we actually expected. wad i learned from popo was if dat if u are nice n humble, ppl will remember u. n alot of ppl did! neighbours from everywher came to pay their last respects n helped out.
the last day, was reli tough. as soon as the coffin arrived, everyone broke down. it was the hardest few hours i've ever been thru. yet, everyone was supportive with each other. a few of us cousins created a closer bond during d funeral n everyone grew closer. oh yes, d funeral was reli taxing one me. health wise. i lost my appetite to eat, got my 1st gastric (i think), cudn sleep n was down with flu. i think i slept less than 10 hours for dat 4 days. now, i have to readjust my sleep time bac to "normal" which is a reli2 hard thing to do.
so after popo's passing, i decided it was a right time to go abroad as i cud finally leave kch without worrying bout popo. i've enrolled for sch n will be leaving at the end of the month. so here i am with less than 3 weeks to spend my time with my frens b4 i come back again.
us all..not all la..but most of us :)
popo with her flowers
my fam
a few of us cous
somehow, i felt that popo decided to leave at the right time. when we all sat n talked. none of our plans were interfered with the 7 days n such "traditions" n that it was a time when everyone could come back. popo, u will always remain in our hearts. even right now, i cud not bliv she's gone. cos she has always been ther. reminiscing the times with popo breaks me down easily. if u knew wad kind of person she was, ud know how we felt. she's seriously the nicest person i know. i dun think ther wud be anyone who would be as nice as she was. that part of her made her passing reli hard.
however, we've gotta accept the fact that she has left us. i love u popo. =(
1st of all, i made it to F1!! after so many years of watchin it on tv, i finally made it :D a reli awesome experience with reli fast cars n loud loud vrooms vrooms :D red bull dominated sepang d finish was cool but cocky. it was d 1st time i saw DAT many ppl at one place. like literally packed. it took more than an hour for the place to clear after the race. oh it was reli cheap too! advantages of being a student :D RM150 only for the ticks eh. plus we had reli good seats :)
next was college enrollment. that time was reli a struggle..with popo being avidly admitted to the hospital, it was like reli hard for me to actually decide on goin abroad to study. cos i wont wanna leave cos the doc said "time was almost up". so practically those few weeks, our family spent lotsa time back home at popo's.
then 1st of may came. it was lk any normal day when we got a call to go to the hosp. when i arrived, it was too late. popo left us dy. as everyone had expected it to happen, it was a lil easier cos dad unc-s n aunts had prepared everything for the funeral n mentally too. it was still hard tho.
popo's funeral was diff than than the other funerals i've been to even grandpa's funeral at mum's side was totally diff. popo's funeral was somewhat cheerful. knowing that popo enjoyed watching us all gather back home n play, we actually did. the funeral was not like the "scary" ones ud expect to see on tv. through out the whole thing, everyone played n mingled around. of cos with limits. oh ya, popo loved flowers so we had lots n lots of flowers around n she loved burgers too. so we went to find her a vegetarian burger as an offering durin "meals" lol
another thing that made the funeral a memorable one was that almost everyone was back. only a cous who reli cudn make it din make it for d funeral. those cous who were lost in contact for years came back too. at first we cous were a lil shy to mingle but during the final night, a few of us cousins decided not too sleep to spend the last few hours with popo b4 the burial. so during dat time, we caught up with lost times. which was good. sad case tho that we only managed to mingle during the last few hours.
the funeral lasted 4 days. a day extra cos popo left us late in the evening on 1st may n we all wanted to spend a lil more time with her. n surprisingly, during those days, alms collected were way more than wad we actually expected. wad i learned from popo was if dat if u are nice n humble, ppl will remember u. n alot of ppl did! neighbours from everywher came to pay their last respects n helped out.
the last day, was reli tough. as soon as the coffin arrived, everyone broke down. it was the hardest few hours i've ever been thru. yet, everyone was supportive with each other. a few of us cousins created a closer bond during d funeral n everyone grew closer. oh yes, d funeral was reli taxing one me. health wise. i lost my appetite to eat, got my 1st gastric (i think), cudn sleep n was down with flu. i think i slept less than 10 hours for dat 4 days. now, i have to readjust my sleep time bac to "normal" which is a reli2 hard thing to do.
so after popo's passing, i decided it was a right time to go abroad as i cud finally leave kch without worrying bout popo. i've enrolled for sch n will be leaving at the end of the month. so here i am with less than 3 weeks to spend my time with my frens b4 i come back again.
us all..not all la..but most of us :)
popo with her flowers
my fam
a few of us coussomehow, i felt that popo decided to leave at the right time. when we all sat n talked. none of our plans were interfered with the 7 days n such "traditions" n that it was a time when everyone could come back. popo, u will always remain in our hearts. even right now, i cud not bliv she's gone. cos she has always been ther. reminiscing the times with popo breaks me down easily. if u knew wad kind of person she was, ud know how we felt. she's seriously the nicest person i know. i dun think ther wud be anyone who would be as nice as she was. that part of her made her passing reli hard.
however, we've gotta accept the fact that she has left us. i love u popo. =(
Monday, March 1, 2010
you're dat near, yet so far
title explain it? been awhile since i pour what i felt or thought here. or anything at all. life's subtle. i, who was once spontaneous, has become boring. i believe so, that doing nth for the past few months has caused this. but my true intention of posting things here are to say smthg. tumblr's been a bitch. updates are over-ridden by other posts. so here it goes.
i've been swept off my feet. a girl i got to know few months back is guilty for this cause. she's gorgeous, smart, pretty, random, all the sugar, spice and everything nice. dats wad she is. but funny thing is, i've never gone out with her. yes i did see her around. n in fact am not far from where she is, but it feels, she's just so so far away. wad she did back then was intrigued me but now shun from me. well, there seems to be another dude, but to me, he seemed like a lousy control prick. that's wad u wud think if u were in my shoes. then again, i did keep in touch as often as i could, or tried to. but it was more-or-less putting off the excitement of the convo-s we had. everything became different. dull. so i decided to step away. killing off avid contact. and prolly make drop by convo-s once in awhile. but that had not stop me from thinking bout her. how could it? she's the girl next door! not exactly but technically. i did things a guy would do to woo a girl. even made a gift for her and ask for her fren's opinion. but it seems to have done nothing but to frighten her away. now that things are the way it is, how am i to say how i feel? things letting me down plus THIS is dull-ing me all up. but what made me feel slightly better is that, i kinda figured her out. what kind of person she is and what she prioritizes or the reason to her actions. but what good is that? when nth could be done? when there is no chance to let her know how or what i am. it all killed my spirit some way. i compare myself now to myself before. back then, all i could think of wad study work play. id go out early in the mornings, and return late at night. with bright visions of what id do in the near future. now, id prefer staying home, although there's nth to do feeling sloppy and not making money. all i could think of is a vacation everytime but it seems id been running away from my life, my problem. then again, even on my time away, when im not thinking bout problems at home, work, study, family, frens; when i have all the time and freedom to do anything; i think bout her.
i honestly do not know the outcome of this post. would it make things any better or worst. would we be able to talk in the near future or would we pretend to not know. as at this point im all out of hope and do not expect anything. but what would be great, would be a reply to this post, of cos if u did read this. as i know u know bout my feelings and who im referring to, its just best u told me what u thought. cos at this point, all im doing is pretend that id only want to be a fren. i've much to tell, much to write, but it'll all mean nth if u wont reply too. im talking gibberish now and think i shud go
southern girl, could u want me?
i've been swept off my feet. a girl i got to know few months back is guilty for this cause. she's gorgeous, smart, pretty, random, all the sugar, spice and everything nice. dats wad she is. but funny thing is, i've never gone out with her. yes i did see her around. n in fact am not far from where she is, but it feels, she's just so so far away. wad she did back then was intrigued me but now shun from me. well, there seems to be another dude, but to me, he seemed like a lousy control prick. that's wad u wud think if u were in my shoes. then again, i did keep in touch as often as i could, or tried to. but it was more-or-less putting off the excitement of the convo-s we had. everything became different. dull. so i decided to step away. killing off avid contact. and prolly make drop by convo-s once in awhile. but that had not stop me from thinking bout her. how could it? she's the girl next door! not exactly but technically. i did things a guy would do to woo a girl. even made a gift for her and ask for her fren's opinion. but it seems to have done nothing but to frighten her away. now that things are the way it is, how am i to say how i feel? things letting me down plus THIS is dull-ing me all up. but what made me feel slightly better is that, i kinda figured her out. what kind of person she is and what she prioritizes or the reason to her actions. but what good is that? when nth could be done? when there is no chance to let her know how or what i am. it all killed my spirit some way. i compare myself now to myself before. back then, all i could think of wad study work play. id go out early in the mornings, and return late at night. with bright visions of what id do in the near future. now, id prefer staying home, although there's nth to do feeling sloppy and not making money. all i could think of is a vacation everytime but it seems id been running away from my life, my problem. then again, even on my time away, when im not thinking bout problems at home, work, study, family, frens; when i have all the time and freedom to do anything; i think bout her.
i honestly do not know the outcome of this post. would it make things any better or worst. would we be able to talk in the near future or would we pretend to not know. as at this point im all out of hope and do not expect anything. but what would be great, would be a reply to this post, of cos if u did read this. as i know u know bout my feelings and who im referring to, its just best u told me what u thought. cos at this point, all im doing is pretend that id only want to be a fren. i've much to tell, much to write, but it'll all mean nth if u wont reply too. im talking gibberish now and think i shud go
southern girl, could u want me?
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