then and now..

now that im back to kch, finally getting to enjoy my holiday, i feel i owe my blogs some good times. it was not too long ago when i last posted but a hell long time ago before i actually let my heart out.

1st. the house is almost complete. sink's ready. just a lil more cleaning to do. but lets just leave them be, till i get back. i do hope the house dun turn upside down during my time here. having a place of my own in kl, i realized i felt half hearted when i was suppose to return to kch. why so? its not just a house to me, its a home. a place i look forward to go back to all the time. and the fun!! im missing out of the happenings there. dayumm.. then again, the house kinda showed me the part of me i did not know. all these while, i;ve been reluctant to do any house chores but when it comes to your own place, i feel a lil bit more responsible in things (making me realize the responsible part of me =D) and the tidy part of me too! i'd be cleaning the house when i can just to make sure it looks and feels tidy and clean. i am too, grateful for having housemates of mine. they'ed actually clean the house too. who says stoners cant be clean responsible people?? well, wad ever it is, im kinda proud of myself that i have handled the house quite well. bt worried too, cos i have taken a risk whereby, if things hopefully works out as planned will mean i get to stay comfortably in kl during my studies, and if not, id loose a hell lot of money. *prays*

2nd. i missed my flight to kch actually u know onot??!! i am myself surprised i missed my flight. i guess i was too carried away wif my activities and just made a costly mistake. i guess that was an eye opener tho. n how did i miss my flight? haha well, i actually did recheck when my flight was. assuming it was on sat, i just looked at the time of flight. and as i tot that i was goin back on sat, on fri night, very late at night, i decided to check the flight time again. n i came to shock when i realized the flight was on fri! bloody mistake cost me rm300 wei! but im actually glad i did go back on sat tho. cos i got to hav a gathering at my place, and get some very important issues settled

3rd. i wonder why adults can be such huge hypocrites. just last night, after my flight, i headed home to shower and left home for grandma's bday. it all seemed well till my uncle decided to have a family discussion among the siblings. and it did not turn out well. in fact there was alot screaming and all. and what were they arguing about? from what i could see, it was bout the property granddad left before he passed on. i could remember clearly, we were thought that blood is thicker than water. that should change that statement now as water isn relevant nemore. wad it should actually be is blood is thicker den all the bloody money in the world. easy to say and it seems really hard to do ryte? somehow, inside us, i feel that we have that greed in us. but why? the will is always a fucked up problem and that when one dies, in fact 2 problem arises. the death and the will. from there, ud even see siblings stabbing each others back for what THEY THINK they deserve. but the thing is, its not u to decide what u deserve or not. its for the old dude to decide. if he left u nothing or very little, it means, there's usually other siblings that need it more ryte? if not, u fucked up! deal wif it. but then again, from what i observed yday, that one uncle had all he need n still wanted somemore. are u not contented  wif ur life? u have all the money u need and still u want more? i cant simply understand why people are liddat. please la. be contented and grateful wif what u already have. im not saying its wrong to go for more. but to the extend of jeopardizing the relationship with ur own siblings? dats just plain stupid. adults thought us to care for one another and all but it seems the hypocritically dont! who's gonna help u when ur in trouble? who's gonna be ur companion, to talk to u, chat wif u when ur old? ur siblings damnit! wad can u do if u got that piece of what ever it is? yes, u might get smthg nice or live more comfortably. but can u live without it? hell yes! we got got almost nothing and arent complaining.. i swore i almost screamed at my aunt and unc last night but wad the hell for? and im glad i did not. plus, that side of the family was the side that fucked my family up. eff u all. filthy two face asses. im glad we moved out from that shit hole house earlier this year. the whole time i was ther i mostly spent my time in my room know what was goin on. shit heads. it seems all the gathering u people have are means to promptly remind u of the money u want. of all the 10 siblings they have, i see good only in 3 of them. the rest are crap. have i fought wif my siblings before? yes. who hasnt? but not for money. i quarrel or argue only if i felt smthg was wrong. cant u be liddat? rather then prying over each other's things. i dunno wad else to say but i''ve got more to say. all i can say is that, im happy being poor rather than well off like u ungrateful asses. n did u know they were the ones that looked down on my other side of the family? u dun even have to say u do cos i can tell. and its so bloody obvious. yalah..ur sons and daughters are smart, the receive possibly the best education and all but u all are shit heads. efffff...

4th. how to avoid the shit in no.3 from happening? easy. be sincere. dun want something back when u give something. and even if u dun want anything back, dun remind people wad u did? im sure i dun seriously "ungkit" at all. n i know by not doing so, it paid off. i feel contented with my life. yes i do have wants and all, bt not to the extent of "stealing" it. just make do of what u have and be when u do something for someone, be sincere! n mark my words, it makes a difference

5th. now that i kinda let my heart out on wad happened last night, id like to tell u bout myself. as far as i can recall, i have not told anyone this. stop asking me why im single all these years la. yes, it might be a joke but i have my reasons. and its not easy. people ask me how can u stand being single all these while. all i do is keep quiet and smile. u just do it!! if u had reasons, den ud know how. whats mine? back in secondary school, my family had financial problems and that led to many other problems that just popped out of the blue. i was young then but not ignorant of what was happening. but then, what happened back then made a big impact to me. made me what i am now, made me think how i think now, made me act how i act now. although the financial problems my family had wasn as bad as it seems, but it sure did alot of damage. honestly, i lived a pretty dull life during my secondary school compared to my bro n sis now. most people wouldnt understand so i prefer to keep all i felt to myself. i do not even tell my best frens what i've been though cos it just hard to express. all i can say is that due to what happened, i found myself to be more timid and careful. i observe people more and trust people. what actually is, is that, i told myself to stay single until i feel comfortable to be with someone i like. people just dun understand what i've been through and would think i missed out and am a fool. honestly, i feel that i've missed out alot. ALOT. bt its wad i told myself to do and im sticking to it. its not easy u know.. everytime i feel i have feelings for someone, i shy away, staying in the friends barrier. and its not dat i dun want to be in a relationship but i just feel that i cant. all i can go for is to have someone to talk to and be there to listen to my ramblings and all. and its hard to not do smthg when u want to and even harder when u see the one that u like be with someone else. i have had so many chances but decided not to take em although i really wanted to but i have my reasons. and for that i may have hurt people, especially one i know that i did. and i cant say sorry cos my apology could be irrelevant at this moment and to you too. i knew i blew more than 1 year of chances given to me but again, i have my firm reasons. i hope u know who u are, and i hope u could connect the dots. sighhh...

bt why cant i just try things out with other people? the problem is i know what and who i want. i dun try things out to see if they work, i'll try things out when i know it will work and i do not intend to be in anything brief. the unnecessary pain would just slow me down on my goals. so do u get me? ): all i could use now, is someone to talk to, to share some of my thoughts and feelings.

6th. and there's one more thing i dun do. i dun do the back-stab bullshit. even when it comes to girls. id simply give away the chance or the idea of the chance to be with someone i like to a fren of mine cos to me, friends come 1st. i cant simply accept the idea of passing girlfriends around among friends or date anyone in the friend circle. wad kinda bs is dat? its weird, at least to me. n due to that, i missed out in the relationship thing. but why give them up? friends come before girls, until i found the right one la AHAHAHA  and of cos, my reason from no.5. then again if it happens to me someday, wad to do ryte? bt id try to stay away from my friends 'past'. i think its healthier and better to meet someone having almost nothing to do wif ur frens or family for that matter . and for that girl in no.5 i mentioned bout, if she realized, i am not being friends with her friends but merely think of them as acquaintances just so incase i have the chance again.

i guess dats bout all i had in mind to say right now apart of many other things i have in mind. n its late now. n i hope i opened some eyes if this is actually being read. my posts seem messy ryte? look at the time and mind me. late nights make me think alot.

chao-s and take care and do look forward to my other nags soon. i hope :P