then and now..

now that im back to kch, finally getting to enjoy my holiday, i feel i owe my blogs some good times. it was not too long ago when i last posted but a hell long time ago before i actually let my heart out.

1st. the house is almost complete. sink's ready. just a lil more cleaning to do. but lets just leave them be, till i get back. i do hope the house dun turn upside down during my time here. having a place of my own in kl, i realized i felt half hearted when i was suppose to return to kch. why so? its not just a house to me, its a home. a place i look forward to go back to all the time. and the fun!! im missing out of the happenings there. dayumm.. then again, the house kinda showed me the part of me i did not know. all these while, i;ve been reluctant to do any house chores but when it comes to your own place, i feel a lil bit more responsible in things (making me realize the responsible part of me =D) and the tidy part of me too! i'd be cleaning the house when i can just to make sure it looks and feels tidy and clean. i am too, grateful for having housemates of mine. they'ed actually clean the house too. who says stoners cant be clean responsible people?? well, wad ever it is, im kinda proud of myself that i have handled the house quite well. bt worried too, cos i have taken a risk whereby, if things hopefully works out as planned will mean i get to stay comfortably in kl during my studies, and if not, id loose a hell lot of money. *prays*

2nd. i missed my flight to kch actually u know onot??!! i am myself surprised i missed my flight. i guess i was too carried away wif my activities and just made a costly mistake. i guess that was an eye opener tho. n how did i miss my flight? haha well, i actually did recheck when my flight was. assuming it was on sat, i just looked at the time of flight. and as i tot that i was goin back on sat, on fri night, very late at night, i decided to check the flight time again. n i came to shock when i realized the flight was on fri! bloody mistake cost me rm300 wei! but im actually glad i did go back on sat tho. cos i got to hav a gathering at my place, and get some very important issues settled

3rd. i wonder why adults can be such huge hypocrites. just last night, after my flight, i headed home to shower and left home for grandma's bday. it all seemed well till my uncle decided to have a family discussion among the siblings. and it did not turn out well. in fact there was alot screaming and all. and what were they arguing about? from what i could see, it was bout the property granddad left before he passed on. i could remember clearly, we were thought that blood is thicker than water. that should change that statement now as water isn relevant nemore. wad it should actually be is blood is thicker den all the bloody money in the world. easy to say and it seems really hard to do ryte? somehow, inside us, i feel that we have that greed in us. but why? the will is always a fucked up problem and that when one dies, in fact 2 problem arises. the death and the will. from there, ud even see siblings stabbing each others back for what THEY THINK they deserve. but the thing is, its not u to decide what u deserve or not. its for the old dude to decide. if he left u nothing or very little, it means, there's usually other siblings that need it more ryte? if not, u fucked up! deal wif it. but then again, from what i observed yday, that one uncle had all he need n still wanted somemore. are u not contented  wif ur life? u have all the money u need and still u want more? i cant simply understand why people are liddat. please la. be contented and grateful wif what u already have. im not saying its wrong to go for more. but to the extend of jeopardizing the relationship with ur own siblings? dats just plain stupid. adults thought us to care for one another and all but it seems the hypocritically dont! who's gonna help u when ur in trouble? who's gonna be ur companion, to talk to u, chat wif u when ur old? ur siblings damnit! wad can u do if u got that piece of what ever it is? yes, u might get smthg nice or live more comfortably. but can u live without it? hell yes! we got got almost nothing and arent complaining.. i swore i almost screamed at my aunt and unc last night but wad the hell for? and im glad i did not. plus, that side of the family was the side that fucked my family up. eff u all. filthy two face asses. im glad we moved out from that shit hole house earlier this year. the whole time i was ther i mostly spent my time in my room know what was goin on. shit heads. it seems all the gathering u people have are means to promptly remind u of the money u want. of all the 10 siblings they have, i see good only in 3 of them. the rest are crap. have i fought wif my siblings before? yes. who hasnt? but not for money. i quarrel or argue only if i felt smthg was wrong. cant u be liddat? rather then prying over each other's things. i dunno wad else to say but i''ve got more to say. all i can say is that, im happy being poor rather than well off like u ungrateful asses. n did u know they were the ones that looked down on my other side of the family? u dun even have to say u do cos i can tell. and its so bloody obvious. yalah..ur sons and daughters are smart, the receive possibly the best education and all but u all are shit heads. efffff...

4th. how to avoid the shit in no.3 from happening? easy. be sincere. dun want something back when u give something. and even if u dun want anything back, dun remind people wad u did? im sure i dun seriously "ungkit" at all. n i know by not doing so, it paid off. i feel contented with my life. yes i do have wants and all, bt not to the extent of "stealing" it. just make do of what u have and be when u do something for someone, be sincere! n mark my words, it makes a difference

5th. now that i kinda let my heart out on wad happened last night, id like to tell u bout myself. as far as i can recall, i have not told anyone this. stop asking me why im single all these years la. yes, it might be a joke but i have my reasons. and its not easy. people ask me how can u stand being single all these while. all i do is keep quiet and smile. u just do it!! if u had reasons, den ud know how. whats mine? back in secondary school, my family had financial problems and that led to many other problems that just popped out of the blue. i was young then but not ignorant of what was happening. but then, what happened back then made a big impact to me. made me what i am now, made me think how i think now, made me act how i act now. although the financial problems my family had wasn as bad as it seems, but it sure did alot of damage. honestly, i lived a pretty dull life during my secondary school compared to my bro n sis now. most people wouldnt understand so i prefer to keep all i felt to myself. i do not even tell my best frens what i've been though cos it just hard to express. all i can say is that due to what happened, i found myself to be more timid and careful. i observe people more and trust people. what actually is, is that, i told myself to stay single until i feel comfortable to be with someone i like. people just dun understand what i've been through and would think i missed out and am a fool. honestly, i feel that i've missed out alot. ALOT. bt its wad i told myself to do and im sticking to it. its not easy u know.. everytime i feel i have feelings for someone, i shy away, staying in the friends barrier. and its not dat i dun want to be in a relationship but i just feel that i cant. all i can go for is to have someone to talk to and be there to listen to my ramblings and all. and its hard to not do smthg when u want to and even harder when u see the one that u like be with someone else. i have had so many chances but decided not to take em although i really wanted to but i have my reasons. and for that i may have hurt people, especially one i know that i did. and i cant say sorry cos my apology could be irrelevant at this moment and to you too. i knew i blew more than 1 year of chances given to me but again, i have my firm reasons. i hope u know who u are, and i hope u could connect the dots. sighhh...

bt why cant i just try things out with other people? the problem is i know what and who i want. i dun try things out to see if they work, i'll try things out when i know it will work and i do not intend to be in anything brief. the unnecessary pain would just slow me down on my goals. so do u get me? ): all i could use now, is someone to talk to, to share some of my thoughts and feelings.

6th. and there's one more thing i dun do. i dun do the back-stab bullshit. even when it comes to girls. id simply give away the chance or the idea of the chance to be with someone i like to a fren of mine cos to me, friends come 1st. i cant simply accept the idea of passing girlfriends around among friends or date anyone in the friend circle. wad kinda bs is dat? its weird, at least to me. n due to that, i missed out in the relationship thing. but why give them up? friends come before girls, until i found the right one la AHAHAHA  and of cos, my reason from no.5. then again if it happens to me someday, wad to do ryte? bt id try to stay away from my friends 'past'. i think its healthier and better to meet someone having almost nothing to do wif ur frens or family for that matter . and for that girl in no.5 i mentioned bout, if she realized, i am not being friends with her friends but merely think of them as acquaintances just so incase i have the chance again.

i guess dats bout all i had in mind to say right now apart of many other things i have in mind. n its late now. n i hope i opened some eyes if this is actually being read. my posts seem messy ryte? look at the time and mind me. late nights make me think alot.

chao-s and take care and do look forward to my other nags soon. i hope :P

hooooooo

i checked blogger recently and found out that the last i posted anything was on may 11th!! damn long wei..dats lk almost 3 months wei!! thank the un-constant internet connection laaaa..

since the last post, many things happened! im currently studying in damansara, taking my degree, my 2nd month here dy, and here i am, posting this, im my own place!! :D stolen wifi of cos HAHAHA (thank u aztech whoever u are)

so im actually on my holidays. and why aren't i back in kch u may ask. cos i had decided to stay back a while longer to look for my own place after suffering the common toilet in the hostel for 2 whole months. so i finally got my own place and when i did, i was on top of the world for a whole week i guess, cos my fren said i just couldnt stop smiling LOL then again, im currently staying at Palm Springs at Sunway Damansara. not too far from school, just a bus ride down 2 traffic lights i think HAHA!!

and due to the new place, im officially broke. once again after a long long time. been paying deposits and buying things for the house cos i wanna make it feel lk home :D well, thats the whole idea ryte? get ur own place and stay in and save money. and then save more by not goin out and cooking in. talking bout cooking, its kinda frustrating after stayin in for almost a week now, i havent been cooking anything cos THE BLOODY KITCHEN ISNT READY YET!! the bloody sink la. 1st, the workers delayed work...now the sink isnt working. how to cook?? and i cant reli clean the whole house until its actually done ryte? i just hope everything's done before i return to kch this weekend. man i miss kch

talking out cleaning, i believe i've cleaned more in the past week compared to the total amount of cleaning i did in the last 5 years hahaha i dunno why, but i've been cleaning so much, i dun mind cleaning at all. prolly its cos of the "my own place" idea haha i clean my toilet almost everyday u know!! LOL

erm....i think there's nthg much left to say... i guess im doin alright here, met the right people and friends and they have made my stay here reli comfortable. thank guys :D

oh did i mention, i've been quite active in sports. every weekdays to be exact. :D but this hols, nt really la...cos everyone's away and the puasa month is back. which reminds me, RAYA!!!! but this time i wont be celebrating it in kch...ticket mahal pok!! i hear frens buyin them at 500 pluss... i even heard 700 yday! i could eat for a month with dat money..luxuriously!! haha

n 1 last thing. my bday!!!!!! ITS NEXT WEKK!! TAKE NOTE!! THKS!! :D bye...

how have u been?

this past month had its ups n down n den ups n downs.

1st of all, i made it to F1!! after so many years of watchin it on tv, i finally made it :D a reli awesome experience with reli fast cars n loud loud vrooms vrooms :D red bull dominated sepang d finish was cool but cocky. it was d 1st time i saw DAT many ppl at one place. like literally packed. it took more than an hour for the place to clear after the race. oh it was reli cheap too! advantages of being a student :D RM150 only for the ticks eh. plus we had reli good seats :)

next was college enrollment. that time was reli a struggle..with popo being avidly admitted to the hospital, it was like reli hard for me to actually decide on goin abroad to study. cos i wont wanna leave cos the doc said "time was almost up". so practically those few weeks, our family spent lotsa time back home at popo's.

then 1st of may came. it was lk any normal day when we got a call to go to the hosp. when i arrived, it was too late. popo left us dy. as everyone had expected it to happen, it was a lil easier cos dad unc-s n aunts had prepared everything for the funeral n mentally too. it was still hard tho.

popo's funeral was diff than than the other funerals i've been to even grandpa's funeral at mum's side was totally diff. popo's funeral was somewhat cheerful. knowing that popo enjoyed watching us all gather back home n play, we actually did. the funeral was not like the "scary" ones ud expect to see on tv. through out the whole thing, everyone played n mingled around. of cos with limits. oh ya, popo loved flowers so we had lots n lots of flowers around n she loved burgers too. so we went to find her a vegetarian burger as an offering durin "meals" lol

another thing that made the funeral a memorable one was that almost everyone was back. only a cous who reli cudn make it din make it for d funeral. those cous who were lost in contact for years came back too. at first we cous were a lil shy to mingle but during the final night, a few of us cousins decided not too sleep to spend the last few hours with popo b4 the burial. so during dat time, we caught up with lost times. which was good. sad case tho that we only managed to mingle during the last few hours.

the funeral lasted 4 days. a day extra cos popo left us late in the evening on 1st may n we all wanted to spend a lil more time with her. n surprisingly, during those days, alms collected were way more than wad we actually expected. wad i learned from popo was if dat if u are nice n humble, ppl will remember u. n alot of ppl did! neighbours from everywher came to pay their last respects n helped out.

the last day, was reli tough. as soon as the coffin arrived, everyone broke down. it was the hardest few hours i've ever been thru. yet, everyone was supportive with each other. a few of us cousins created a closer bond during d funeral n everyone grew closer. oh yes, d funeral was reli taxing one me. health wise. i lost my appetite to eat, got my 1st gastric (i think), cudn sleep n was down with flu. i think i slept less than 10 hours for dat 4 days. now, i have to readjust my sleep time bac to "normal" which is a reli2 hard thing to do.

so after popo's passing, i decided it was a right time to go abroad as i cud finally leave kch without worrying bout popo. i've enrolled for sch n will be leaving at the end of the month. so here i am with less than 3 weeks to spend my time with my frens b4 i come back again.

us all..not all la..but most of us :)

popo with her flowers

my fam

a few of us cous

somehow, i felt that popo decided to leave at the right time. when we all sat n talked. none of our plans were interfered with the 7 days n such "traditions" n that it was a time when everyone could come back. popo, u will always remain in our hearts. even right now, i cud not bliv she's gone. cos she has always been ther. reminiscing the times with popo breaks me down easily. if u knew wad kind of person she was, ud know how we felt. she's seriously the nicest person i know. i dun think ther wud be anyone who would be as nice as she was. that part of her made her passing reli hard.

however, we've gotta accept the fact that she has left us. i love u popo. =(

you're dat near, yet so far

title explain it? been awhile since i pour what i felt or thought here. or anything at all. life's subtle. i, who was once spontaneous, has become boring. i believe so, that doing nth for the past few months has caused this. but my true intention of posting things here are to say smthg. tumblr's been a bitch. updates are over-ridden by other posts. so here it goes.

i've been swept off my feet. a girl i got to know few months back is guilty for this cause. she's gorgeous, smart, pretty, random, all the sugar, spice and everything nice. dats wad she is. but funny thing is, i've never gone out with her. yes i did see her around. n in fact am not far from where she is, but it feels, she's just so so far away. wad she did back then was intrigued me but now shun from me. well, there seems to be another dude, but to me, he seemed like a lousy control prick. that's wad u wud think if u were in my shoes. then again, i did keep in touch as often as i could, or tried to. but it was more-or-less putting off the excitement of the convo-s we had. everything became different. dull. so i decided to step away. killing off avid contact. and prolly make drop by convo-s once in awhile. but that had not stop me from thinking bout her. how could it? she's the girl next door! not exactly but technically. i did things a guy would do to woo a girl. even made a gift for her and ask for her fren's opinion. but it seems to have done nothing but to frighten her away. now that things are the way it is, how am i to say how i feel? things letting me down plus THIS is dull-ing me all up. but what made me feel slightly better is that, i kinda figured her out. what kind of person she is and what she prioritizes or the reason to her actions. but what good is that? when nth could be done? when there is no chance to let her know how or what i am. it all killed my spirit some way. i compare myself now to myself before. back then, all i could think of wad study work play. id go out early in the mornings, and return late at night. with bright visions of what id do in the near future. now, id prefer staying home, although there's nth to do feeling sloppy and not making money. all i could think of is a vacation everytime but it seems id been running away from my life, my problem. then again, even on my time away, when im not thinking bout problems at home, work, study, family, frens; when i have all the time and freedom to do anything; i think bout her.

i honestly do not know the outcome of this post. would it make things any better or worst. would we be able to talk in the near future or would we pretend to not know. as at this point im all out of hope and do not expect anything. but what would be great, would be a reply to this post, of cos if u did read this. as i know u know bout my feelings and who im referring to, its just best u told me what u thought. cos at this point, all im doing is pretend that id only want to be a fren. i've much to tell, much to write, but it'll all mean nth if u wont reply too. im talking gibberish now and think i shud go

southern girl, could u want me?

here's the deal. i kinda left blogger haha

go here!!

till then, check tumblr haha

miss me?? hahaha haven had the heart to blog at blogger or tumblr for that matter. din know wad to write or share. just this. my streamyx potong dy. ccb. not i gotta rely on the slow broadband. than again, better than nth ryte?

im tired....

im now on tumblr....lazy here ehhhh

)=

and a few hours ago...

again, i thought some more. that was after swee kang when we were talking bout songs and all. till we discussed brian mcknight. so wad i did was listen to his songs when i was back during the evening. n celaka. it hit me. one song ngam chin.

n todayyyyyyyy.........just, just now......i found.....smthg. hahaha

bye2 wanna read lost symbols huahuahuahuahua =D