and half a year flew by..

anyone noticed its already 1st of july? half a year flew by. it felt like it was only a few months back that cny had passed. AGAIN, i looked back wondering what i've managed to do.. well, i've messed up last semester to be honest.. wasnt really proud with my results. too much partying i guess.. and the partying has made me lost the KGs i do not have! wtf right? alot of ppl said im skinny as hell and ya, I AM! lol i've been trying to put on weight  since i dunno when but every attempt failed. i eat more than i've been eating..slept early n doing all i can think off to gain my weight back, at least; the NORMAL way. 

other than that, i've met a few people whom im pleased im over n done with. i've never really expected someone so close to betray my trust.. poor u.. i may not fend my anger but i know how to do somethings people find hard to do. i can let go. see, i have already told u what i was capable off and u could still betray my trust. then again, another one has pissed me off alot lately, chances after chances, still he could not keep his work and at the same time continuing to lie to me when i already know what's going. i am no fool. i can be nice enough to give u lots but im also mean enough to take everything back. seriously a bastard child..

then again, on a good note, i hope things would be better off in the near future, im looking forward to moving to a slightly cheaper place. without air-conditioning and the very important water heater. HAHA well, i dun think those staying in the house deserve such luxury when all they do is mess up! but ya...i'll get to buy my own furniture and all now la...seems like im really gonna settle down in kl.. ;D

n ya...did i mention bout this girl i met? i know i did.. but ya! she's awesome! :D haha

urghhhhhhhh!!!

i know none of these shitheads read my blog so i can post freely here! well, lately i've been having a diff perspective of the people around me.. dunno why but im full of disgust! i'll tell u 1 thing. if u dunno how to show me that lil bit of respect, i'll take EVERYTHING BACK! this i tell u.. too bad u motherfuckers are mostly likely not gonna read this. i'll just do what i know im capable of doing. i'll just walk away! i've done it many times, effortlessly m dun make me do it. so dun do shit behind my back, or i'll show u what i can do behind urs. aren't i nice enough to u all? n u have the nerve to take that for granted. u wait i tell u... 

n dun play me for a fool...dun think i dunno what's goin on. I KNOW SHIT. but i prefer to keep quite. once i had enough, i'll make sure u have a hard time. but too bad u guys wont be reading this right? 

i hope i've showed enough temper for u all to understand what is goin on...but it seems  u all are plain dumb. seriously...i regret having u as friends. 

anyways....regardless of those useless people i deal with daily, i've finally met my girl!! all i can say that, im forever grateful to have her as my girlfriend. she just awesome the way she is. she's few years younger than me but very much mature. much much more than those assholes i have to deal with. forget the assholes... putting them assholes aside, i now have someone to look forward to and someone to keep me at the right track.. that's all i wanna share bout her for now.. ily baby...dun go breaking my heart eh ;P

where do i belong?

i cried..i did.. last night in fact. that gave me the sudden urge to just write. i dunno where to rant anymore. well, i dun anymore.. i have no place to run. home doesnt even feel lk home to me anymore. i can hardly share my problems. i dun think anyone would understand. im torn up.

there. i just randomly wrote what i have been feeling lately. and worst part i have no idea why i felt dat way. till last night. just thinking bout my dad tore me up badly. i wept instantly. i have not spoken to my dad in a really long time. so long, i could only remember i last spoke to him when i was back in kuching. im not sure but i think there's an misunderstanding between us and i just dunno what's goin on. i know i've hurt u daddy, but im sorry. i really am. i feel like shit when i have no one from home calling me to check on me. im still ur son daddy. dun u care bout me anymore? :( why dun u call me as often as before. when u dun call, i become afraid of calling home. and lately, i've been really missing u daddy, but i just dunno how to pick up the phone n dial ur number as freely anymore. i miss you daddy... i miss having conversations with u. i miss that u'll tell me the right thing to do. now that u dun call, i totally hav no one to confront during bad times. all i have is my own solitary space. i'd just sit and wonder what just went wrong. i feel lost at times. real lost. sometimes, i dunno what the hell im doing in kl. i dun even know if im studying what i want at times. im afraid of what the future could turn up to be. daddy, i need u. i try be as independent as possible. hell..i think i've been too independent. i still need u daddy... i just feel so long thinking back of what u said. i feel lk u've left me here stranded not caring bout me. u told me u were gonna support me in my studies. but why do i resort to doing bad stuff to support and fund myself. i know very well what im doing is so wrong. if i had a choice i wont do it at all.. but its what im good at. i can only count on doing that to survive. but then again im doing it. no matter what i have to fend for myself and to defend my actions, im still wrong. cos i already know i am. i feel like crap lately. daddy, i know our family is goin through hard times and u cudn possibly send what u promise u wud give me. i dun care bout money daddy! i u had given me the full amount, or een just 10 bucks, i wont complain. have i ever complained daddy? all this while, i;ve been taught by u to earn what i want. and i did. but u literally left me to earn everything for myself. haven u thought how i could ridiculously obtain lots of money? i dun even enjoy spending the money i make daddy. not if u knew where it came from. 

i used to want to go back home so often. i felt so at home back in kuching. i feel otherwise lately, when i go back, u dun pick me up anymore. u dun send me off anymore. we dun have dinner anymore. we dun even have a proper conversation anymore. am i not wanted at home? i feel lk i have no place to go dy. i miss u daddy... :(

she's a monster

damn stress to witness all that is to be given but cant be received. gibberish. fuck fml x10 now

i have the sudden urge to write a post. after reading eve's blog. i saw how much she could still write about her life, but i couldnt. im not as expressive as i used to be. i very much preferred it when i used to blog. id just let out my frustration and my thoughts on to this so called page of mine. and now? i just can seem to express myself like i did before. FML.


then again, i should probably share something bout what i feel lately. depressed. how so? i have feel that i have too many things to worry bout. goin through an emo phase now. sad thing is. i dun share shit i really feel to anyone. i just cant. too many secrets to hide. too many ppl's feelings to care bout. why am i liddat? why do i care bout my frens so much? so much i hardly get my peace of mind, my freedom; to do anything i want, quietly. i just want to. i have no one to count one. then there was this girl involved. yah!! a girl. she was nice. damn nice. too nice infact. showed how much she cared for me. pampered me. show me what it is like to be loved. problem is, i dun love her. i cudn giv in to her as much as i wud for my friends. so i just cudn keep dragging it on right? so i ended it. i felt really really bad. loved her. wasnt in love. wasnt happy. see the problem? then u know, collateral damage? fuck this shit seriously. other ppl get affected. and i dun wanna share this to anyone, why? cos i dun wanna cause a stir. things are good now. getting better. i've finally settled down. like i said with my friends and all. things are getting cheaper. and by things, if i have not mentioned, i am a consumer or marijuana. pot. weed. wad ever u call it. i am a pot head. weed has helped me in many ways. like when i cant sleep. like when i need to control take sudden outburst of mine. i feel more at peace with weed. and i have organized some things to secure my life of which i will tell about when im done doing it. probably thats why.  thats why i cant express myself anymore. too much at stake. one wrong move. all could be gone. i wud be gone. dat serious. can imagine? knot right? haih. but i cant share. i cant share so much, i've made this a habit. i became an introvert. yah!! when i realized that? just now! after i read eve's blog, i realized how much i've kept things inside me. been keeping it all. why? i cant trust a person enough yet to let them know whats really inside me. dats it la. dats bout all that explains me now. and for that, i feel lonely. after know what it felt like to have someone around. or simply just to have someone. yahhhh!! there u go again. but then i cant commit. yeay me :D bye

i am tired. i have problems old people have. i worry too much. im disappointed. i need a break. i miss kuching. i miss having little to worry bout. at times i think im holding in too much. i have no one to share my actual thoughts. FML /.\

Food for Thought

i am turning into an asshole and i dont like the idea.

kuching so far

i finally got my hands on constant internet access after 2 whole freaking months without it, depriving this sad outdated blog. boo hoo... 

so far...its 5.18. it has been even 9 hours since i got back from kd. honestly, i feel lk goin back to kd at this very instant. why? apparently, during my brief time here, i have already found out things that i deem sad to me. my normal group of friends do not hang out as often as they do. i've also heard stories of 2 aqquaintances being involved in stupid accidents and the passing of another friend. hearing things like these were not what i expected to come by during my time here. i  had always thought that kuching would remain the same as i left it but it seems, that during my time away, although it has only been few months, things has drastically changed. then it struck me. people change. for better or worst, now i dun give shit. funny thing is, those i thought would stick around for a long(er) time, apparently DID NOT! and its sad to find out that from a large group of friends of whom we normally hang out everyday with, we're ended up 3! 3! wtf-ish. big time!!

im being honest to say that im rather disappointed (already) with my trip here. and im glad its brief. i cant wait to return to kd to the people who means most to me at the moment. friends who i call my family. im glad to feel that i have already settled down with my friends at kd. and i cant get enough of them. making a foreign place home to me. talking bout being at home. i felt totally different driving back home earlier. having felt a "different feeling" compared to what i felt driving home before. i dont feel the urge to hang out more having found out what happened. but by saying all i have just said, im sure as hell hope i do not turn into those hypocritical bastards that made my night unpleasant, just by listening to updates on them. again, wtf-ish. big time!!

ending this sadist post. goodnight, i hope to see those i expect to see, have a good time here and try finish my assignments while im here. efff!!!! :((

the catalyst

well, if u dunno yet, im 21!! yes 21.. i feel no different than yesterday. i still have not changed. other than the age part. lol but the way i look at the age of 21, other than the freedom everyone normally sees or anything else in norm, i see the age of 21 as a gateway of opportunities. every year i age, would be a year closer to my personal goals i look forward to achieve. TIME IS RUNNING OUT!! so while taking a shower (one of my fav time to think lol), i decided to sort out my goals again and just share them with my fellow readers. its not like i have many readers, but somehow, its good that i dont so u guys wont copy my goals eh??? hahaha


so what have i managed to achieve before today? not much actually.

1. i finally got the opportunity to study abroad and live the phase i feel everyone should go through. the student life. the phase where we learn to be independent, to care for ourselves, to miss and worry bout those at home, to worry bout tmr's meal, to look forward to goin back, to experience the dilemma of not goin back lol, to make new friends, to start off at a clean slate, to try new things out, see new places, to FINISH our studies and to learn to be an adult.

2. i managed to experience a brief moment of working life before moving to kl.. to try broker-ship, to manage events, to write posts for a magazine, to appear in media (a week wei!! plus live on radio too :D), to understand procedures and protocols of some useful stuff and to meet influential people. not bad ahh?? i can say im quite proud of what i've managed to do tho there are failures and disappointments, i've learn much of things by which we cant simply pay for.

3. i've completed my diploma without problems. my 3 years in SEGi Kuching, although it was suppose to be 2 and a half haha

4. traveled alone to different places and to experience diff cultures and enjoy the my alone time. im really glad i did this one, although i've only managed to visit Bali, Jakarta and Kota Kinabalu; and of cos a brief moment in Penang, im hope to visit more places in the near future n with wishful thinking, the whole world. and not to forget, i did all of my travel using my savings too!! and just so u know, if im not wrong, i've been atleast on the plane twice a month (return flights of cos) back and forth to where ever it is for more than a year now. airasia should give me a special flying miles account hehehe

5. to read books!! im not a fan of reading but i did!! 3 in fact. all dan brown's tho HAHAHA well, i read only when i travel far away tho. so yeah.. cant blame me.

6. to indulge in shopping! yessss!! shopping!!! lately, due to the convenience of stayin in kl, shopping malls are not burning but torching a big hole in my account. i got to buy things i never thought i could afford. of cos, i worked and saved really hard la.. =D

7. to vindicate people. well, this, i've only managed to help one friend of mine tho. no details bout this as its pnc. but yeah..i look forward to doin more :)

8. play sports!! yes..although i have really bad stamina, i've tried to get myself involved in sports. n i did! squash is the bomb...then futsal, dodgeball!! :D, frisbee!! all with intention to build my stamina and lead a healthier live. we intoxicate our body so we must work it all out too ryte? haha

okay...dats bout all i managed to do. after typing them down, im impressed by myself actually =D hahahahaha now that i've listed what i've accomplished, imma try prioritize my current goals by the age of 25

1. to get my own place. buy it of cos. big shot goal but im damn motivated to do so.

2. to get cars of mine. yes. CARS!! not one, but atleast more than one la haha

3. to learn how to ride a bike, and then own a nice one.

4. to complete my degree and hopefully get the opportunity to complete it abroad

5. to get involved in more event management.

6. to learn to play the guitar properly. of cos, i'll have to get one.

7. to indulge in more social activities and sports.

8. to bulid my body. yes....this i really need motivation haha

9. to earn my quarter million at least by 25. and a my 1st million by 28

10. to travel and see more places. thailand in january yaw!! and of cos, more of Bali :)

11. to fulfill those promises i've made. the one's i forgot and have no idea about haha

12. to learn to cook more dishes

13. to work in a big firm after my degree. yes. i have a plan which i hope will workout

14. to own different businesses. atleast 2 by 25.

15. to make more awesome friends to add to my current ones.

16. to repay the debt i feel i owe to those who've helped me during bad times

17. to voice out my opinion and my thoughts to my mum's family once im doing alright. to prove that i am better off without inherited money

18. to help children. as i adore them. kids deserve to live their childhood better than i did. i envy them eh. they'ed have no worries, they dream dreams we dun dream about anymore and are damn adorable. looking at things the way i see it, i feel people's personalities do not change from young. so i guess, the best way to make the world a better place, is to nuture and guide kids from young. true??

19. to compile my thoughts and philosophy and prolly write a book bout it

20. to continue vindicating more people. if u do not know wad it is, vindication is a process of cleansing a person's reputation. something liddat ah. to clean or ward off the bad name people impose in them. and when u manage to do so, u'll feel on top of the world.

21. to get to watch concerts of my fav bands namely incubus!! before they grow too old to perform haha

22. to participate in a foundation, welfare or anything similar. UNICEF!!

23. to continue being who i am. to stand for what i feel is right.

24. to make a impact in the kuching community

25. to change improve my self confidence. be more bold in actions of mine and rock people's lives :D

26. and finally to try support my family as soon as possible.

quite alot eh? well, the more the better. and if i cant manage to complete atleast a few in the coming one year, atleast i would be in progress in doin so


now that i've listed my goals and all. id like to talk bout me. u see... i live a very different childhood and event currently, compared to those of my peers. yes, a few of them have their own problems too. but i feel the live i've lived for the 21 years im alive is nt smthg anyone would want to experience. why so? i may have not shared my situation with many but im glad for the problems i faced has built me and made me who i am today. of cos, there are those few 'gui ren-s' (eve!! see i know how to use this word dy haha) who has helped and indirectly guided me through mishaps and im grateful for them to be around. i've realized too, although i cant explain how "terrible" my situation is at the moment, i get to indulge in things i never thought i would be able to indulge in. and besides that, i've realized that i, all this while, have been living comfortaby in a sense that, there's always good food to eat, that i always manage to get a big room for myself, that i always manage to live a life of luxury although i may not afford them. why so? i do not know as well. and for that i feel grateful that such things are always around for me to enjoy. :D

and my wonderful friends :) yes. i have wonderful friends i love. great ones. i dunno why too. but i always seem to meet and have the right people as friends. i believe tho its how u treat them, u cherish them, u talk to them, trust them and believe in them that makes the difference. through experience, i've learned that we should treat others the way we want to be treated back. sincerity too plays an important part. 'results' may not show early and in case of people misunderstanding you, someday, you will be vindicated. its all a matter of time and belief.  dats the reason why i believe alot in vindication u see.. back to my friends. i cant ask for better friends than i already have, cos they are the best dy. :) i feel loved by them, n i love my frens a hell lot!! lk dat much!! u know or not??? DAT MUCH!!! so much so i regard my closest frens as family. i seriously, honestly cannot live without them. my closest frens can tell la hahaha and i wish to see my all my frens, the closest one especially succeed in life together in the future :D

another thing i'd like to talk bout, im feeling old talking so much crap dy. bt yeah..ermm...u see.. one advice to all is to not have expectations from other people but to expect alot from yourself. expectations are what kills us all, spoils our mood and destroys us. yes we may have to expect for things like quality and work bla bla bla and all but what im talking bout is expectations in a sense of damn..i dunno how to explain la... well, erm..if u have less expectations, the stupid useless ones, we would get disappointed less, n by that, we live happier lives. we should know what we deserve and be contented with what we have at the same time. only then would we not have ridiculous expectations. u get wad i mean? just be contented. but not too much. dats the part im trying to improve of myself. yes i do appreciate wad i have but i get too contented with what i already have. i believe i do not demand for my rights as much as i need to. dat way, i feel that i've lost many opportunities just by being pleased with what i already have. expect in moderation and demand what we actually deserve. from now on, im imma try do that. so dun think im bitching up okay!! i feel its bout time i get what i rightfully deserve.

last but not least, my family. through all the bad and good times ive been through, i've been through them with my family. im glad i have a dad, a mom, a bro and sis like mine. all of which made me who i am today. im glad my dad and mum is comfortable of sharing their problems with me and that to be felt that my presence makes a difference. however, i am too worried for thing to be in the near future and i really hope, things would turn out alright.

i think dats bout all i want to say for this post of mine during my bday :D n i have a feeling it is far by the most organized one too! haha. kudos aaron!! :D i guess im doin alright at the moment, besides the down side of things. and for this bday of mine, i've been wished by my frens and all and i really do feel loved :D i've been told to have a blast but i feel, i should do things my way. and have a quieter and more relaxed 21st bday compare to others and to spend time with loved ones rather than partying all way through. thanks tho for all the wishes again :D now im looking forward to my bday cake.....man..i want a good big piece of a real good cheese cake tmr. ;) hehehehehehe

thats all folks!!

love,
Aaron

the nurturing phase.

now that i've nthg much to do, i guess blogging is the best thing to do to waste time or rather keep me busy. why blogger? it seems tumblr doesn fit me...too much nonsense. lk for example, we'd keep hitting the reblog button. and not only do we do that, but other people too...at the end of the day, it'll end up to be smthg lk spams. well, unless ur an avid comp user den u can keep up la haha

its a tuesday. a rainy one. plans kinda spoilt due to that and other reasons too.. damn..i dunno what to write but im just so effin bored.

i had a real good chat wif eve last night. havent had a chat liddat for a really long time. im glad i stayed awake long enuf to get to chat wif her too. n after chatting, i honestly can say i miss hanging out u, eve. miss those good convos we can have. but then, time, place, studies and diff frens kinda made it not so possible to hang out as often as we used too. n now its been months before i last saw her. n she's leaving for uk in a month's time. sighh..

sumhow, after posting the previous post, i feel did actually feel better. has been a real long time before i expressed anything out. bt for somethings i knot say in public, i got to share them wif eve. thks a bunch eve.

it all got me thinking and got me to straighten out my goals again. lk i told my best buddies a few months back, goin to kl to study would not mean a new chapter of my life. but id prefer to see it as a race. and every time id return home to kuching would serve as a pit stop to restore my energy and to keep me motivated to finish the race of mine. well i guess, for the 1st holiday dat i've returned, i guess, i feel that i've been motivated once more.

p.s. eve, ur thinkin too hard :P